Your Celebrity Name
Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz have had their first child, a happy, healthy baby boy.
His name is Bronx Mowgli Wentz.
Don't bother re-reading it. It doesn't get better.
Clearly, celebrities can no longer be allowed to name their own children. Bronx Mowgli is only the latest in a succession of extremely unfortunate celebrity baby names. The trend is so clear that it really begs the question: why? Are celebrities so addicted to the limelight that they feel compelled to do anything at all that will bring attention to them, even if it means saddling their own children with names that are impossible to pronounce, guaranteed to ensure no one ever takes them seriously, or most likely to get them beaten on the playground?
I mean, let's take a look at a few more of these:
- Apple - child of Gwyneth Paltrow
- Fuchsia - Sting's kid (like this one wouldn't have enough problems growing up)
- Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily - child of Paula Yates (I had to look her up)
- Fifi Trixibell - also a child of the obviously creative Paula Yates, by different father
- Jermajesty - child of Jermain Jackson
- Kal-El Coppola - child of Nicholas Cage (and, apparently, he's from the planet Krypton).
The worst part of this trend is that it now seems to be extending to politicians. There's an old saying that Washington is just Hollywood for ugly people. I'm sure there are plenty of good looking people in Washington, but the point is that politicians are just as publicity-hungry as entertainers. Case in point: Sarah Palin, whose children are named Track, Trig, Bristol, Willow, and Piper.
I think we need legislation. If your name can be produced by 10% or more American citizens looking at your photo, you will be given a list of approved baby names. Failure to choose a name from the list will result in you and your brood being exiled to Japan, where you will be loved and accepted.
Finally, this brings me to the point of the article: If your parents were celebrities, what do you think your name would be?
Comments
Maybe poor little Bronx Mowgli would be better off being raised by wolves.
Have you read the chapter on naming in Freakanomics? It touches on the issue of celebrity naming but also talks about the correlation between certain type of names and success (or lack of it) in life. Pretty interesting stuff. Glad to say that the whole weird naming/deliberate mis-spelling thing not anywhere near as common in Australia as in the US.
Yes, we have the Zappas to thank for being the trailblazers in this trend. At least he has an asteroid named after him, making it a little more acceptable for him to behave in a cosmic manner!
Yes, it was all the rage a few years ago. They have a website and blog as well:
http://www.freakonomicsbook.com/
Here is a bit from the chapter on baby names 'A Roshanda by any other name':
http://www.slate.com/id/2116449/
And more on names here:
http://www.slate.com/id/2116505/
Aw, Michelle, I'd love you even if your name were Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily.
In all seriousness, when I was young I to be known Princess Butterfinger of Octavia. I think we should give children temporary names that they carry until they are a certain age and then require them to legally choose their own name thereafter. If they wish to keep their childhood name, then so be it, if they choose one that they identify with instead it is simply appended as a second "adult" name. I think people would enjoy this ability to forge our own identities which in my opinion includes our names. Then silly parents could name their children whatever they wanted and the highbrow stiffs in the crowd might lend some tolerance and relax their souls to the juvenile and novel nature of having and being a little child.
Okay, LMSD, that's your new name.
I do like the idea of children having temporary names, then having to choose one for themselves when they get older. Some Native American tribes did that, I think - send the young brave on a vision quest, and he returns with his tribe-name. Maybe when they're children, they should just be referred to by their government ID number. :-D